Matt and Sam Boss You Around

Happy Birthday Matthias!

2007-04-09T13:37:00.000-07:00

Matt and Sam say if it's your birthday, and you think certain cupcakes stink, then get your coworkers to rally up and get you an ice cream cake.

Rally up!

Pick Your Own

2006-10-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

Matt and Sam think that farmers who have you pick your own fruit are having you do the dirty work.

Picking your own nose is one thing, picking your own fruit is a whole other ballgame.

Two for the Price of One

2006-09-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

Today you are lucky and will receive two pieces of advice from Matt and Sam.

Important Piece of Advice #1:

If your coworker is sick and there is any way to get them chamomile tea, you should do that. They will get better, you will be less likely to get sick, and they will like you more. Which is good, since Sam's difficult to work with.

Important Piece of Advice #2:

Matt and Sam feel that if you are going to go on vacation you should take a break from blogging. To that end, Matt and Sam will take a break from bossing you around until Sam and her boyfriend return from vacation two weeks from now. In the meantime, we ask that you please refrain from sending your usual stream of fan mail.

The people in this picture are not Sam and her boyfriend.

Proofread

2006-09-07T13:19:00.001-07:00

Matt and Sam say you oughta proofread.

No further explanation required.

2006-09-06T13:19:00.000-07:00

Matt and Sam have recently discovered that it is important to bring a chamber pot with you everywhere you go.

You never know when the landmark you're visiting will suddenly experience a crippling water problem that makes it impossible to go to the bathroom.

Credit

2006-09-05T12:32:00.000-07:00

If you're given credit for this piece of genius from Overheard in NY;

Girl: I see these hipster girls and they're in those little skirts with the high heels, and they're on their bikes. I'm like, what are you doing? I hope you get hit by a car.

--1st Ave between 6th & 7th

Matt and Sam say relish the compliment.

Important Holiday Message

2006-09-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

Matt and Sam would like to wish you a happy and safe Labor Day weekend. To that end, we issue this warning: keep an eye on those hot dogs.

You never know what they might get up to if you don't pay attention.

Quiet

2006-08-31T08:28:00.001-07:00

If someone is enjoying a breakfast that you think may be a bit much for this time of the morning, Matt and Sam say keep your opinion to yourself.

Balls

2006-08-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

Matt and Sam's Rule of Office Ettiquette #214 - you are not permitted to be grumpy about your balls.

Unless they have been treating you poorly.

Soul Suck

2006-08-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

Matt and Sam know that sometimes days are long. So long.

We also undertand how it feels to have your soul sucked out because of these long, neverending, rainy afternoons.

On days like this Matt and Sam will allow you curl up under your desk and nap.

Imperative!

2006-08-29T06:20:00.000-07:00

Matt and Sam feel that when one is given the opportunity to blog about Pluto one should never pass it up, nor should one wait until the next morning to put up the post.

This only goes for Pluto the planet, not Pluto the cartoon dog.

Hey, cupcake!

2006-08-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

If you see a tough guy on the street and you need to speak with him, Matt and Sam say it's okay to refer to him as "Cupcake".

He'll be into it, trust us.

Coolness Defined

2006-08-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

Matt and Sam's definition of a cool person: One who has schwag from Google.

Under this definition, we are cool people.

Bussing It

2006-08-23T12:19:00.001-07:00

If you're taking the Chinatown bus, don't expect quality service.

But do expect to take many detours, have a grumpy driver, and see chicken nuggets on the floor.

Also, as a bonus, you may get carsick.

Full of Hot Air

2006-08-18T08:15:00.001-07:00

Rule #2 of Pie-Hole Shutting:

Matt and Sam say that if you don't know what the hell you're talking about, you should shut your pie hole.

Exception: Politics. Nobody knows what they're talking about here, so if we forced them all to shut their pie-hole we wouldn't have anything to put on the news.

An Apple A Day

2006-08-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

Royal Gala apples are tasty. They're crisp and red, like a good apple should be.

Matt and Sam are eating Royal Gala apples. Get on the boat and eat one too.

Mmmmm Ginger Ale

2006-08-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

Matt and Sam find that Ginger Ale perfectly fits the mood of the day, as it is neither Coke, nor Sprite, much as this day is neither good, nor sucky.

We are not affiliated with Schweppes Ginger Ale.

The day, not the Addam's

2006-08-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

Monday's suck, so Matt and Sam say that Monday's are the new Wednesday's.

Now you're two days closer to the weekend.

You're welcome.

Plain Good Advice

2006-08-11T08:59:00.000-07:00

Matt and Sam have found that when someone tells you to shut your pie-hole, this is a good thing to do.

Especially if you have food in there.

Money Clips are Bullshit

2006-08-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

You should have a wallet. Carrying your cash, credit cards, and id around in a money clip is a recipe for disaster.

Matt and Sam have wallets, fat wallets, you should too.

C-Puffy

2006-08-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

Matt and Sam dictate that you shall never pass up a free cream puff when offered.

Remember - licking the remains off your fingers and face is acceptable as long as nobody is watching.

Pasta

2006-08-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

Matt and Sam will be having pasta tonight. You should too.

Some options:

Frozen Stuffed Shells
Pierogis
Spaghetti-o's

Limorific!

2006-08-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

Matt and Sam's Recipe for an exciting life: Never pass up a limo ride.

You are permitted to pass up strange drinks being offered to you by people offering the ride though.

Whipped Cream is a Must

2006-08-04T08:50:00.000-07:00

If you're going to get an ice cream sundae, you have to have it with whipped cream.

It's not an option.

If you must, you can save scoop off your whipped cream, put in a tupperware, and send it to Matt and Sam.

Take 'em All Out

2006-08-03T12:03:00.000-07:00

Matt and Sam say: If you're going to get your wisdom teeth removed, take them all out at the same time - nobody wants to go through that shit twice.

No loans from Pristine.

2006-08-02T11:18:00.000-07:00

It may be tempting, but Matt and Sam are sure that the emails from Pristine offering a "pre-approved $100,000 loan" is spam. So, if you get one of these emails, Matt and Sam don't think you should accept her offer.

Not sure why "LESBIAN $$$" is stamped on here.

Mac & Cheese with Hot Dog

2006-08-01T14:38:00.000-07:00

It's really hot today, so you shouldn't have anything too heavy or complicated, because that would be too much work. So go make yourself some mac & cheese with a hot dog cut up in it.

The cupcake is optional.

This is where we tell you what to do.

2006-08-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

Each day Matt and Sam will grace you with their opinion of various things:
what you should eat for dinner
what event you should attend
what book to read, movie to see
etc.